You can close your eyes to what you do not want to see. But you cannot close your heart to what you do not want to feel.

Distance and Adoption: The Path from Loss to Reconnecting with Who You Originally Were

Separation and adoption are profound experiences that often occur in the early, pre-verbal phase of life, or during a period when adoptees have not yet mastered the Dutch language. These early events are remembered by the body, even if conscious memories are lacking. Later in life, adoptees may be confronted with emotional reliving of feelings such as anger, sadness, loneliness, and intense homesickness (also known as Hiraeth), without a direct explanation. Because the brain was often not yet fully developed during adoption, these experiences were not stored as explicit memories, but they have left their mark on the body.

These profound experiences are recorded in bodily or cellular memory and cause our brain to develop various survival mechanisms to cope with these traumatic events. Examples include dissociation (splitting thoughts, feelings, memories, or even identity), freezing, excessive adaptation, self-effacement, or constantly trying to please others to gain approval or unconditional love.

An additional consequence of these adaptation mechanisms is that many adoptees lose themselves in an attempt to adapt to the culture of their country of adoption. This leads to a painful inner struggle in which their outward appearance and inner experience do not correspond with their surroundings. Like people with a migration or refugee background, they often feel the pressure to fully assimilate, causing them to partially or completely lose themselves. This can lead to an intense desire to physically fit in with the dominant culture as well, such as a desire for a Dutch appearance.

The In-between Land: At Home in Neither World

Intercountry adoption — literally “between countries” — places adoptees in a unique situation where they often find themselves caught between two worlds, yet never truly feel at home anywhere. On the one hand, they miss the roots, language, and culture of their country of birth, while on the other, they never feel fully part of the country of adoption. They unconsciously experience a inability to meet "the norm." This can trigger a deep sense of loneliness, rootlessness, and isolation. Many adoptees describe the feeling of always standing 'on the sidelines,' without feeling truly connected anywhere. This lack of a clear sense of identity and home base can lead to identity issues and feelings of not being seen or acknowledged.

From Invisible Suffering to Visible Healing

Because the trauma of separation and adoption often lurks beneath the surface, it can take a long time for adoptees to become aware of the impact these experiences have had on their lives. By applying systemic work, body-oriented trauma work, and psychoeducation in both group and individual sessions, adoptees can learn step by step to connect with what has been lost. Healing often begins with acknowledging and recognizing the grief for what has happened to them before they can begin to reconnect with their true selves.

The goal of this journey is not only to process what has happened, but also to rediscover one's own identity, independent of the adoption. It can be a path to breaking through survival mechanisms, such as suppressing one's own needs and constantly seeking external validation. By feeling deeply and allowing the original pain, adoptees can rewrite their own story. As a result, they increasingly connect with their authentic selves, creating space to live from who they truly are, rather than surviving based on old patterns.

Reconnecting with the Hidden Identity

The path to healing is a journey back to who you originally were before the traumatic separation occurred. This involves acknowledging lost cultural, familial, and personal identity. By reconnecting with themselves, their emotions, and the hidden layers of their identity, adoptees can discover what they needed during these profound experiences. This involves not only cognitive understanding, but primarily body awareness and emotional processing. Through this integration, they can make the transition from surviving to truly living—a life in touch with their needs, desires, and authentic selves.

From Loss to Connection: A Path to Wholeness

Ultimately, this path of healing revolves around regaining the connection with oneself: their deepest core, their body, and their emotional world. When adoptees learn to embrace the loss while simultaneously integrating their full identity, a sense of inner peace and fulfillment emerges. They step out of the shadow of not being seen and begin to live from their own strength and authenticity. As a result, they not only find inner peace but are also able to reconnect with their relationships and the world around them in a way that empowers them and reflects their true selves.

On the Way to Yourself: A Step Towards Healing and Reconnection

Do you sometimes feel caught between two worlds, without truly belonging anywhere? Are you dealing with feelings of loss, loneliness, or alienation that you cannot always explain? As an adoptee, it can be difficult to connect with yourself and your past. Together, we can embark on a search for healing and self-insight.

Feel welcome

I invite you for a no-obligation introductory meeting. We will discuss your experiences and how you can take the first steps towards peace, processing, and reconnecting with your true self.

Please feel free to contact me to make an appointment. I look forward to meeting you.